My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.