I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
OMG 🤣🤣
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.