Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
You Might Also Like
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?