I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.