If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.