We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Mmmm canned fish.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.