Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.