Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”