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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
<—- homeless romantic
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.