probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle