You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnโt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ๐๐ ๐ป๐
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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesnโt grow on trees
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids wonโt play with you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, โDo you want your container back?โ
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
HIM: Iโm not crying, youโre crying
ME: weโre all crying, this is a funeral
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
People who call the Kentucky Derby โThe Greatest Two Minutes in Sportsโ have never seen me have sex.