No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.