[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
🤣🤣🤣
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Give a baker flours on your first date.