Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.