My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean