What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes