I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he鈥檚 either the really fun neighbor or he鈥檚 your new HOA overlord.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I need an Amazddy. It鈥檚 like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She鈥檚 very healthy but never wants to see me again.
馃槀
Don鈥檛 ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don鈥檛 let capitalism win!
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you鈥檙e right that was a dumb question. Let鈥檚 hear it
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”