It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”