If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
me hooking up with my ex
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.