Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
This is the best one I’ve seen
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie