My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE