Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
greetings!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.