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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again