you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
You Might Also Like
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.