When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.