we all know this pain all too well
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
This line from Airplane.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES