I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I WON A HAM TODAY
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.