Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street