ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.