Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You Might Also Like
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’d hang this in my house.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault