Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)