I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again