Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
What about second breakfast?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.