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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇