Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
You Might Also Like
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.