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Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The news in a nutshell.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.