Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.