My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn