If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You Might Also Like
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.