Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison