A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now