Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water