Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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he chose this
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Warm pools make me nervous.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
notice
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.