[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”