I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Weirdos gonna weird.