Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
You Might Also Like
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled