Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin