13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
happy valentine’s day to me
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”