To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Only a mother’s love …
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
the saddest jazz hands ever
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
seems like a niche market
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Have a lovely day 😊
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.