Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.